Why Won't We Get Out of Our Boats?

Thank you so much to those of you sharing your thoughts and stories on my last post.  It is a great deal of fun to read your thoughts and to hear how others have dealt with the fear of failure in their lives.  The fear that tells us not to pick up a rattlesnake is a good thing, but the fear that tells us not to try because we might fail is a very bad thing.  This is the fear that prevents us from becoming what we were created to be; the fear that holds us back from realizing our potential. I have spent a great deal of time watching others, examining my past, and thinking about this subject in order to determine why we are so afraid to take that step, to venture outside our comfort zone, to get out of our respective boats.  I have identified the following three areas as reasons people are afraid to get out of their boats.

1. Low self-esteem.  It is very, very difficult for people to step outside their comfort zone and risk failure when they do not feel good about themselves.  People need to have a relatively high level of self-esteem in order to withstand the possible blow to their ego associated with failure.  With a high level of self-esteem, we are able to handle the loss of face we too often associate with failure.  On the other hand, a low self-esteem will often work to hold us back as we become too concerned about what others will think about our failure.  Instead of focusing on the possible benefits of our efforts, we instead focus on all that we believe will come with our potential failure.

2. Non-supportive environment.  Far too often we do not surround ourselves with the right type of people.  We need people around us who delight in our triumphs and console us during our failures. Unfortunately we often have people around us who delight in our failures and are jealous of our triumphs.  The people we bring into our lives act as either balloons or anchors: they either raise us up or they serve to keep us anchored to the ground (more to come on this later in the month).

3.  Culture.  There seems to be such a stigma associated with failure today.  So many people I come into contact with use language that would lead you to believe that those who achieve greatness were born for it.  I suggest the opposite: those who achieve greatness are keenly aware of the bitter taste of failure and defeat.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, gets to the top of the mountain unscathed.  All champions emerge, bruised, bloodied, but unbowed despite the setbacks they endure.  This is what makes them champions; the courage to endure setback after setback with an unwavering belief in their eventual victory in whatever endeavor they pursue.  This is what victors are made of and this is the behavior we should emulate.

I am convinced that if we can overcome these three impediments, we will be primed to get out of our boats and take our first steps toward greatness.  Imagine what we would be capable of achieving if we no longer feared the sting or stigma of failure?

Redefining Failure

In our increasingly complex and competitive world, failure has become much more commonplace.  Moreover, thanks to the advent of social-media and the 24-7 news cycle, failures and shortcomings are now immediately known and shared around the globe.  It is no wonder that many of us are afraid to "get out of our boat" and often appear to be paralyzed due to our fear of failure.  We have to overcome this fear and put our life in motion because "A life which does not go into action is a failure."  I believe the first step to overcoming our fear of failure is to change how we look at failure by redefining the concept.  With that in mind, I would like to provide you with six new ways to look at failure.

1. Failure = Practice.  Athletes understand this concept.  They fail daily in practice, whether they are practicing shooting in basketball, hitting a curve ball in baseball, or putting and chipping in golf, nobody is perfect all the time and if we are not perfect, then we are, in fact, failing at least some of the time.  Remember the words of Thomas Edison: "I have not failed; I have simply found 10,000 ways it will not work."

2.  Failure makes us smarter and stronger.  Failure clearly illustrates what does not work and allows us an opportunity to determine what we need to do differently or what we need to start doing.  My good friend, Kendra Giles once facilitated a presentation on what we need to stop doing, continue doing, and start doing. Failure provides us an opportunity to consider these three ideas much more intelligently.  In addition, after we eliminate certain behaviors because we have identified them with our failure, we are then able to begin anew with both more vigor and confidence.  Henry Ford reminds us "Failure is the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

3.  Failure makes us resilient.  Often when we fail we find that what we were so afraid of is not that bad.  In fact, Plato tells us "Courage is knowing what not to fear."  We discover that not only was our failure not fatal, but that it is a single, unsustainable act if we allow it to be.  Moreover, we often discover that failure is simply a step on our way to future success.  Benjamin Disraeli has a quote that addresses this perfectly: "Through perseverance many people win success out of what seemed destined to be certain failure."

4.  Failure equips us with leadership skills.  Put simply, we cannot take others where we have not been or are afraid to go.  As leaders, we must be willing to take the first step.  Contrary to what we have heard from our current crop of politicians (politicians, not leaders) in the United States, there is no leading from behind.  Leaders are out front, forging the path ahead, inspiring their followers to walk in their footsteps.  Leaders go first.

5. Failure prepares us for success.  Perhaps I should change this to read failure prepares us to handle success. Over the past 14 years I have counseled numerous students going through difficult times.  During these times I share with them the following belief: God has to build us down before He builds us up.  We need a strong foundation in order to handle the success ahead of us.  How many times have we seen someone get too much too soon and the success overwhelms them and proves to be fleeting?  Experiencing failure prior to our breakthrough prepares us to deal with the trappings of success.

6.  Failure allows a deeper appreciation of success.  Obviously these last two points go together and really serve to complement one another.  There is a great quote from Truman Capote that sums up this point perfectly: "Failure is the condiment that flavors success."  Only those who have been denied access to the mountaintop prior to reaching the summit can truly appreciate the victory.

I hope these six points assist you in in overcoming any fear currently holding you back.  Changing our paradigm of failure is the first step in this process and should prove to get you started on your journey, wherever it may lead.

Three Questions That Lead To More Effective Classroom Management

My experience teaches me that classroom management is more about the adult's response to situations than it is about the situations themselves.  If we can condition our response to stressful situations in the classroom, I believe we can generally control most any situation that may arise.  However, in order to condition our responses, we must first condition our thoughts.  With this in mind I identified three questions to ask myself prior to responding.

1. Am I about to make this situation better or worse?  Is what I am about to do going to increase the volatility or am I about to deescalate the situation?  When entering into a volatile situation our response will either serve as gasoline and exacerbate the flames or as water and douse the flames.  It is my experience that our first response in these situations is often not the best choice, thus I suggest asking this very simple question prior to any action.

2. What is the context that produced this behavior?  The key to solving a problem is completely understanding the problem.  Many of the challenging situations we deal with at school are not directly related to something that occurred at school.  More often than not the student is dealing with some unresolved issue from outside of school or something happened at school that was simply the catalyst that pushed them over the edge.  It is key to ask the right questions in order to understand the context that produced the undesired behavior.  Only then can we begin addressing the negative behavior and then assist the student in overcoming the challenge they are facing.

3. Is this about me?  Sometimes it is us or something we have done or said, and this presents the greatest challenge.  It is very easy to make it "personal" in this type of situation and this will only serve to make it worse.  Even the most self-aware people have a difficult time objectively examining their behavior when they are in the moment.  Faced with this type of situation I attempt to "shelve" the issue for the moment; that is, I want to give both of us a chance to settle down before delving into what I did to bring about the situation or what I did to make the situation worse.  It is best to utilize the ten-second rule in this type of scenario.  The ten-second rule is as follows: do not engage the student for period of time longer than ten seconds during a redirection in front of the class.  This rule has saved me from making colossal mistakes numerous times.

I believe asking yourself these three questions will save you a great deal of time and trouble in the classroom.  Changing our response to stressful situations is simply changing our habits.  In order to change our habits, we must first change the way we think about a situation and this takes time and practice.  Have a great week!

How Deep Are Your Pockets?

It is no secret that the students we serve oftentimes do not think ahead, that is to say they do not consider the possible consequences of their actions.  While I am certainly aware of this shortcoming, I know that I don't do enough to teach the students under my care to think ahead and to consider all the possible ramifications of their behavior.  Today I took the first step to rectifying this problem.

Speaking to a group of students today in my school, I opened by introducing them to the word continuum.  I suggested that for every behavior, there was a continuum of possible consequences.  We quickly agreed that generally the best possible consequence for negative behavior was that it would go unnoticed and thus they would escape any possible consequence.  However, I argued that once they engaged in a negative or risky behavior, then they just agreed to "buy" all the possible consequences on that particular continuum.  For example, let's say I punch somebody in the face.  There are a number of possible consequences, starting with I cause no serious damage and the person I punched decides not to beat me senseless.  That is most likely the "best possible" scenario.  However, there are numerous other possible consequences on this continuum, including the following:

• He punches me back
• I cause some injury and end up at the mercy of law enforcement
• I cause some injury and end up responsible for the other party's medical bills
• I hit the other person and they fall, hit their head on the ground, and die

When I make the decision to punch that other person, I have, in effect, "bought" all possible consequences on this continuum.  Once I make the decision to throw that punch, I am now at the mercy of fate and I have to accept whatever consequence comes my way.

Perhaps teaching our students to think of the best possible scenario and the worst possible scenario associated with certain behaviors might serve to make them pause prior to engaging in negative or risky behaviors.  If we can get them to pause prior to acting or reacting, maybe the temptation toward a negative action will pass.  As the leader of a school that is majority minority, I know that my students are not always afforded the second or even third chances that students from other areas are provided.  Thus, their pockets are not quite as deep--in a manner of speaking--and subsequently they cannot "afford" to buy all the consequences related to negative or risky behavior.

More On Building Relationships

Be like water.  That is the advice I give teachers all the time.  Water wears down rock over time, but it takes time and it requires consistency.  Be like water; consistently stay on message and don't get discouraged when it comes to students.

 So, this year I took my own advice at my new school.  I literally knew almost none of the students on the first day of school, but I decided to open car doors and greet each and every student upon arrival.  Very quickly I noticed that one particular student went out of his way to ignore me.  In fact, I could not even get him to acknowledge my presence.  No matter, I was like water: greeted him each and every morning by name and wished him a great day.  September, October, and November came and went and still he would not acknowledge me.  However, I think he may have looked at me during December.  It may have been my imagination or it may have been that the Christmas spirit moved him to glance in my direction, but I'm pretty sure he looked at me.

During the month of January I decided to kick it up a notch.  Now, not only would I greet him upon his arrival at school, but I was going to intentionally "run into him" during the school day and attempt to place myself in such a way that he could not ignore me.  This was going to work!  I was right there, in the hallway, he couldn't miss me and . . . nothing.  Be like water, said the voice in my head.

Finally, in February, I got a nod!  No verbal greeting, but actual acknowledgement that I was there, occupying the same planet as him--this was a breakthrough!  Toward the end of the month I actually got him to answer a question.  Yes, it was a one word response to my inquiry, but I was making headway.  Emboldened by the acknowledgement of my existence, I stepped up my game and started talking to this young man as often as possible and sometimes I even received a lengthier reply: "Naw, that wasn't me."  Or something like, "I'm good."  Nonetheless, this was true progress.

Toward the end of March I grew very bold and decided to add a letter to the repertoire of communication techniques I employed. I wrote this young man and conveyed the following:

•  I was worried about him and his lack of academic progress
•  I believed he was capable of much better work than he was currently producing
•  I was afraid that if he didn't pick up the pace I believed he would be retained in the same grade
•  If this did occur, he would have no one to blame but himself, as he is more than capable of meeting promotion requirements
• I believed in him and would be there to offer assistance if needed

This young man became a bit more talkative upon return from Spring Break, but there was no apparent major breakthrough, nor did he acknowledge receiving my letter.  However, yesterday, his homeroom teacher approached me at the end of the day with a HUGE smile on her face.  She proceeded to tell me that he worked in class and volunteered to assist in checking the work of others--this was incredible progress!  I shared this with another administrator in our school and he shared similar sentiments as the homeroom teacher.  Now, I am not near vain enough to take credit for this change in behavior, but can we ever determine which rush of water smoothed the rough edges of the stone?  Moreover, does it really even matter?  Who cares about the credit; the stone has been changed .  Be like water, my friends.

Feedback From a Teacher

Today I received a great email from a teacher commenting on my last post on building relationships.  Take a look at what this teacher wrote (below in italics).  I have to tell you, I am incredibly impressed by the self-awareness of this teacher and the willingness to objectively view their behavior.  Take a look.

I liked the article. This is something I definitely need to work on. With some students, this is easy and I can see how it has helped. However, I think that ***** thinks I dislike her. Her attention is very low and I am constantly  redirecting her. Also, she is afraid of showing me her work because I usually end up pointing out a mistake she made. I end up having too many negative comments toward her and not enough positive. This effects her behavior to me. I need to work on building our relationship and focusing more on the positive.

I found this email refreshing and spot-on.  I plan on using it with my staff at the end of the year and during back-to-school workshops.  Imagine how much better we would be as professionals if we all took the time to look within ourselves and we carefully and honestly audited our words and actions with the students we serve--we would be primed for improvement!  Moreover, what if as school leaders we could make these behaviors a fundamental part of our building's culture; I believe we would significantly improve our effectiveness as educators and we would have families knocking down the doors to get into our schools.  This change must start with us because the current status quo in our industry does not encourage such behaviors.

Step Three: Build Strong, Positive Relationships With Your Students

The third step to effective classroom management is building strong, positive relationships with the students in your classroom.  I believe this is an area that is often overlooked by many.  However, failure to build strong, positive relationships with the students you teach will serve to make your job much more difficult than it needs to be.

               

  First, let’s discuss some of the benefits of building relationships with your students.  We can begin with the adage, “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  In my experience, this has proven to be true all the time.  I have had the privilege of working with brilliant teachers who unfortunately could not make headway with many students because the students just did not believe that the teacher truly cared about them.  Students are generally far more willing to comply with a directive from an adult they believe cares for them.  Students do not care about titles or degrees; what is important to them is that they know the adult in the front of the class has their best interests at heart and willingly, openly, and consistently displays an interest in their respective lives. 

                

Building strong, positive relationships with students will go a long way toward mitigating potential problems if you do or say something out of line.  Believe it or not, I have actually said things to students, or in front of students, I should not have said.  Of course, many of my colleagues know that I certainly did not have to preface that last statement with believe it or not.  As I have matured and grown wiser (still a long way to go on that journey) these situations have occurred less frequently, but we are all human, are all fallible, and we will all make mistakes even when we know better.  But you know what; students have always been willing to give me a break because of the time I invested in them.  Never once, not once, did my mistakes ever become an issue.  Of course, I was always willing and eager to apologize after the fact, but not one student ever made an issue of my shortcomings and it would have been very easy for them to do so.

                

If you have strong, positive relationships with your students you will begin to find that they are willing to share the burden for classroom management.  In fact, you will begin to see leaders in your classroom offer redirection to students before you are even able to get the words out!  In addition, frequently I have been able to approach a student about a challenge I was facing in the school and I could almost always count on them to assist me in overcoming that challenge.  It is my experience that students are willing to bend over backwards for teachers they care about and believe care about them.

                

So, the benefits of building relationships with students are readily apparent, but how do you go about doing it?  Well, first, we have to recognize there are no shortcuts.  Unfortunately I have seen adults attempt to take shortcuts in this area.  Generally shortcuts look something like the following:

1.       Allowing students to get away with negative behaviors

2.       Sharing information with students that is inappropriate

3.       Gossiping about other staff members or other students

4.       Speaking disparagingly about authority figures: parents; teachers; or administrators

5.       Speaking disparagingly about other students

Exhibiting any of the behaviors listed above is certain to produce long-term negative effects.  You will not build a strong, positive relationship and your students will not respect you.  At that point you will be far worse off than if you had not even tried.  Here is what I recommend:

1.       Greet them all the time by name.  Make a point to learn your students’ names as soon as humanly possible and use them as often as possible in a positive manner.

2.       Notice them.  Did they change their appearance?  Then make a positive comment about the change and tell them how much you like it.  There is a world of difference between “Your outfit looks nice today.” and “I love that color on you!”  Personalize your compliments and watch how it pays off in the long run.

3.       Ask them about themselves.  News flash: people like talking about themselves.  Yeah, I know, hard to believe, right?  Make a point to discover their likes, dislikes, and interests.  Search for commonalities and capitalize upon them.

4.       Listen to them without always judging them.  To be honest, this is difficult for me.  I am extremely opinionated and I often forget that what is important to them at this stage in their life was once important to me at that very same stage.  As an adult it is very easy for us  to attempt to minimize the struggles they are going through, but it means the world to them at this point in their lives, so treat their challenges accordingly.

5.       Spend time with them outside the classroom.  Go to their games, concerts, recitals, baptisms, confirmations, birthdays, etc.  We spend time with the people we care about.  I always shared with students that the most valuable thing to me outside my family was my time, so imagine the response when I show up at their events.

Building strong, positive relationships with the students we serve is of the utmost importance.  As I become better at being a school leader I will begin to formalize this process more and more for my staff.  It is something we have to do on purpose, because with everything else we are charged with doing it is easy to forget about it and let it fall by the wayside.  Moreover, it is very easy to minimize the importance of building relationships with our students because we do not always see the benefits of doing so immediately.  However, if we are committed to becoming the best educators we can be, it is a task that should be at the forefront of our thoughts each and every day we serve children.